I feel like crying but no tears will come out

I feel like crying

but no tears will come out

I’ve become so numb

to the pain of this world

and the agony in my own heart.

~~~

I turn up the music

with loud, pounding drums

and screaming guitars

until it’s pulsing 

through my head

‘til my thoughts 

are drowned out

because it hurts to think

and it’s a torment to feel

it’s easier to be apathetic 

to my surroundings 

and what’s going on 

inside me.

~~~

I run until my lungs 

feel like they will explode

‘til my legs 

are on the verge of collapse 

when sweat 

has completely drenched my body

and my only thought is 

breathe in

breathe out

and for that fleeting moment

I am free

from the agony inside 

afflicting me.

~~~

I pass out on my bed

and stare at the wall

in complete silence

attempting to zone out

hoping to forget about everything 

staring at the textures of paint on drywall

imagining full scenes and images

to the point that I wish that

the wall would simply consume me

that I would no longer exist.

~~~

But none of these solutions are permanent

and the only way to get better is to feel

as much as it hurts

and as hard as it is

I can’t keep distracting myself

from what is inside of me.

~~~

And so I finally feel it

in the darkness of the night

when no one is around

I scream

until my voice gives out

I scream and I scream

until the pain that was inside

has a chance to come out.

~~~

And I let the tears fall

I pound my pillow with my fists

yell out the curses 

I have been holding in

and although it’s hard

to feel and to hold that space

for my turmoil of emotions

I know if I don’t

I won’t be free.

~~~

If I am numb 

I cannot feel

love

joy 

peace

so I let myself feel the pain

because we can’t just shut out one emotion

without shutting out all emotions.

~~~

I feel like crying

and finally my tears come out

I let myself feel

so I can be okay.

I will be okay. 

I WILL 

be okay.